Everyone Has a Purpose.

I handed my thesis in a week ago. Forty thousands words of blood, sweat and tears. The feeling of relief which I thought I would feel took awhile to arrive, possibly due to the fact that I was scrabbling to edit it and format it in time. It wasn’t until 8pm on the day that it was due to be submitted that I finally pressed the submit button, and sat down for a very large whiskey. I was so knackered, my eyes were stinging from the hours of staring at a screen, and my brain felt like it was going to explode from all of the scrutiny involved in editing. I must say that there were days in the last month when I just wanted to chuck it all in and have nothing more to do with it. But I persevered and managed to hand in something-hopefully it is good enough, only time will tell.

The next day was strange. I had always thought I would feel euphoric from being finished, and I certainly felt like a weight had been lifted from my shoulders, but I also felt something else. The next morning after everyone had left for work and school and I had the place to myself, I just kind of wandered around the house, not knowing what to do. I mean there is plenty to be done, especially outside around the property, but I was so used to turning on the laptop and staring at it for most of the day that I just didn’t know how to reset my routine. And then there was the feeling that I no longer had a purpose in life. I had lived and breathed my thesis for the past thirteen months, everything else had been put to the side (apart from some daily exercise) in the pursuit of academic achievement. I missed social events and family occasions because it totally consumed me, every hour of my day was taken up by research and writing. And I was lucky, I finished work halfway through my thesis, I don’t know how anyone can work and do their thesis at the same time; my brain can only deal with one major thing at a time. I was really glad when that first day was over, it was like having a hangover; the night before was a shit load of fun but the consequences made it seem like it wasn’t worth it.

Luckily, since then I have managed to get into a bit of rhythm in regard to my day’s activities, and I feel a little more like I do have a purpose. My daughter thinks its great that I am no longer studying because there is loads of baking and home cooking in the house-I am sure the novelty of baking will wear off soon, and the youngest son thinks its great that I will have more time to spend with him-especially fishing! I now have the fun part of trying to decide where to from here-the PhD is out of the question for now, my family would kill me if I even contemplated it at the moment. I am once again at a crossroads, trying to figure out what now, what do I want to do when I grow up? I have some good ideas but I just need to work out if they are feasible, and if they will help pay the bills. And I have to work out how to go about executing them. I am back to the same old conundrum of what is out there in the universe for me, what is my purpose, and why the heck haven’t I worked this out before now? And I have to keep pushing away the self-doubt which plagues me a great deal of the time.

I know that it is early days, it is only a week and a half since I finished my study, and I am starting to learn the art of patience. I am revelling in the fact that I can read a book for the fun of it, not to hunt for facts for my thesis but just because it is a mindless piece of literature which is enjoyable to read. I can go places, like watching the youngest son play rugby, without the nagging feeling that I should be home writing and researching. Or to an exercise class or yoga session (new interest-will keep that for another blog) without feeling guilty about taking precious time from my study. I can get back in my neglected garden and bring it back to life, and as for my oven -well that will get a long overdue clean next week.

I worried on that first post-study day that I would have no purpose in my life. But I forgot that I have taken on a volunteer role at the local surf lifesaving club, and I forgot that I want to try and organise some rugby posts for my son’s school. I also forgot that I have purpose with my three children, each one with their own needs (even the teenage son who seems so independent). And my husband, I will have time to go and play a game of golf with him -nah, only kidding about the golf, that really is a bridge too far! But some quality time just going for a run with him has been nice. I have purpose, not what I had when I was studying but something different and just as important. I will keep baking and trying my hardest to be a domestic goddess. And when the time is right, I will find where the next part of my journey takes me, there is no rush after all.