Am I a Grown Up Yet?

Well it has been nearly two months since I submitted my thesis and I am still awaiting my results, confirmation that all of my self-doubt was a complete waste of energy. While I wait, a little less patiently as the days pass, I continue to wonder ‘what will I be when I grow up’. This seems to be even more pressing now that I have finished my study (for now anyway) as I now really need to think about putting my knowledge into something that provides an income. The hangover of finishing my thesis has well and truly gone away, although it lasted several weeks, and my industriousness around our property has become such a part of the daily routine that the wilderness has become slightly tamer than it was a couple of months ago. But that same question of ‘what will I be when I grow up’ has now been joined by ‘what does it actually mean to be ‘grown up?’. I mean Greta Thunberg has just told a whole lot of world leaders that they need to grow up. So if they haven’t managed it yet, what chance have I?

I thought that maybe I had discovered what it meant to be a ‘grown up’ when last week I was summoned to do jury service. I went along praying that my name wouldn’t get called out, not because it would impact on my job seeking activities or outside work, but because I am a Libra. And if I find it difficult to decide what to have at a restaurant then what chance do I have at deciding if someone is guilty or not? Well, for all of my praying to all and sundry, I got picked to serve on a jury. The case was reasonably minor, but it was always going to impact on somebody when we came to our conclusion of guilty or not guilty. I sat there, looking at the people in the court room. The judge, I dare say she feels like a grown up, I mean you would wouldn’t you with such an important job. Likewise for the lawyers, do they feel grown up? I thought that maybe, I felt a bit grown up sitting up there in the jury seats, trying to look composed and very important (God knows if I actually looked it). And as we deliberated, deciding the fate of some stranger, I wondered if I was actually cut out for this grown up stuff. What made me responsible enough to be part of a decision which could change someone’s life forever?

So now, my jury service done and dusted and with no prospect of being called up for a couple of years, I am back to the job hunting. I vowed that I wouldn’t take a job that had nothing to do with what I love doing-writing, but as I have discovered, this is not such an easy feat. Most jobs which I have looked at tend to be in other cities from my own, or else that old chestnut-past experience in my preferred job niche is required. Writing has always been a hobby for me, so my experience is limited to my study, one or two articles, creative writing, and of course this blog. My dreams of finally ‘growing up’ seem stuck at the first hurdle, but I know that it is early days, patience is the key. However, my 48th birthday is looming fast and it is hard not to feel a bit panicky when it comes to age and employment-especially when you are competing for jobs with people half your age. I will keep up my job hunting, and in the meantime I will get on with clearing the area burnt by the hubby earlier on in the year, maybe singing U2’s ‘I still haven’t found what I’m looking for’ while I’m at it!