Tag: New Beginnings

Everyone Has a Purpose.

I handed my thesis in a week ago. Forty thousands words of blood, sweat and tears. The feeling of relief which I thought I would feel took awhile to arrive, possibly due to the fact that I was scrabbling to edit it and format it in time. It wasn’t until 8pm on the day that it was due to be submitted that I finally pressed the submit button, and sat down for a very large whiskey. I was so knackered, my eyes were stinging from the hours of staring at a screen, and my brain felt like it was going to explode from all of the scrutiny involved in editing. I must say that there were days in the last month when I just wanted to chuck it all in and have nothing more to do with it. But I persevered and managed to hand in something-hopefully it is good enough, only time will tell.

One of the most enjoyable and deserved whiskeys I have ever had!

The next day was strange. I had always thought I would feel euphoric from being finished, and I certainly felt like a weight had been lifted from my shoulders, but I also felt something else. The next morning after everyone had left for work and school and I had the place to myself, I just kind of wandered around the house, not knowing what to do. I mean there is plenty to be done, especially outside around the property, but I was so used to turning on the laptop and staring at it for most of the day that I just didn’t know how to reset my routine. And then there was the feeling that I no longer had a purpose in life. I had lived and breathed my thesis for the past thirteen months, everything else had been put to the side (apart from some daily exercise) in the pursuit of academic achievement. I missed social events and family occasions because it totally consumed me, every hour of my day was taken up by research and writing. And I was lucky, I finished work halfway through my thesis, I don’t know how anyone can work and do their thesis at the same time; my brain can only deal with one major thing at a time. I was really glad when that first day was over, it was like having a hangover; the night before was a shit load of fun but the consequences made it seem like it wasn’t worth it.

Luckily, since then I have managed to get into a bit of rhythm in regard to my day’s activities, and I feel a little more like I do have a purpose. My daughter thinks its great that I am no longer studying because there is loads of baking and home cooking in the house-I am sure the novelty of baking will wear off soon, and the youngest son thinks its great that I will have more time to spend with him-especially fishing! I now have the fun part of trying to decide where to from here-the PhD is out of the question for now, my family would kill me if I even contemplated it at the moment. I am once again at a crossroads, trying to figure out what now, what do I want to do when I grow up? I have some good ideas but I just need to work out if they are feasible, and if they will help pay the bills. And I have to work out how to go about executing them. I am back to the same old conundrum of what is out there in the universe for me, what is my purpose, and why the heck haven’t I worked this out before now? And I have to keep pushing away the self-doubt which plagues me a great deal of the time.

I know that it is early days, it is only a week and a half since I finished my study, and I am starting to learn the art of patience. I am revelling in the fact that I can read a book for the fun of it, not to hunt for facts for my thesis but just because it is a mindless piece of literature which is enjoyable to read. I can go places, like watching the youngest son play rugby, without the nagging feeling that I should be home writing and researching. Or to an exercise class or yoga session (new interest-will keep that for another blog) without feeling guilty about taking precious time from my study. I can get back in my neglected garden and bring it back to life, and as for my oven -well that will get a long overdue clean next week.

I worried on that first post-study day that I would have no purpose in my life. But I forgot that I have taken on a volunteer role at the local surf lifesaving club, and I forgot that I want to try and organise some rugby posts for my son’s school. I also forgot that I have purpose with my three children, each one with their own needs (even the teenage son who seems so independent). And my husband, I will have time to go and play a game of golf with him -nah, only kidding about the golf, that really is a bridge too far! But some quality time just going for a run with him has been nice. I have purpose, not what I had when I was studying but something different and just as important. I will keep baking and trying my hardest to be a domestic goddess. And when the time is right, I will find where the next part of my journey takes me, there is no rush after all.

Looks like a mouse has been nibbling at one of my culinary creations!

A New Year

January, a time of resolutions, navel-gazing, and new beginnings. Also a time of excess, and breaking newly made resolutions and intentions. I started this blog just before Christmas, my intention was to finally do what I have been saying I would do for years-write a blog about growing up, and the trials and tribulations of life in your forties. However, Christmas, being the crazy time of the year that it is, put my plans of writing in this blog on the back burner, and being the serial procrastinator that I am, saw January arrive and be two weeks old before I finally sat down to write. Write what though? Write something of course, but now my mind has gone blank, and all of those amazing ideas I had while running (well probably more a crawl than a walk, and sometimes mainly a walk, but running sounds more impressive) have disappeared into the deepest recesses of my mind.

So I will start from the beginning, and I can work on it from there. Forty seven years old, husband, children, chooks (hens if you don’t live in New Zealand), currently trying to finish my thesis for my Master degree in English. Still trying to figure out what I want to do when I “grow up”. What does growing up even mean? Does it mean having a job, getting married, having children? Nah, I have all of that and at the age of 47, I still don’t feel like I have “grown up”. I still grapple with the fact that yes I live in a beautiful part of the world, I have a loving and patient husband, awesome kids, yet I still haven’t reached that point where I can honestly say that I have grown up. Perhaps when I finally reach my career goal (when I figure out what that is), then I will feel grown up? Perhaps.

Mind you, the whole concept of being a grown up and having your shit together seems to have taken on a whole new meaning thanks to the advent of social media. Now growing up appears to mean you have the perfect life, and that life has to be documented on social media in order for everyone else to see just how perfect it is. From glotos on Facebook, to filtered pictures on Instagram, many people appear to have the most wonderful, perfect lives. This causes us mere mortals, who do not have a six pack or gym body, who don’t have a show house worthy home, to question our own less than instagramable lives. How many of us have looked at these posts and wondered where we have gone wrong? Why don’t we have a photographic gym body or postable five star meals? Well, I am here to reassure you that you are not alone. I too, do not have a six pack which I care to share with a wider audience, and fancy dinners are few and far between, and anyway who gives a rat’s arse what I am having for dinner. If I put my life on Instagram, it would consist of photos of a messy house, puffy eyes in the morning, and a six pack hidden by a good layer of fat, which nobody really wants to see. Reality.

So this blog is about reality, my reality. Sometimes wonderful, other times crappy, laughter, tears, anger, the whole deal. I hope others will be able to relate to it, and agree with me that sometimes life is shit, and things just aren’t going how you want them to, or you just don’t know what life is meant to be doing. It’s ok, you are not alone, if nothing else this honest woman is on a similar roller coaster. Happy New Year!